Y'all Want to Live My Lifestyle

Never seen a brick, never seen a crackhouse
Wanna a war with the Don have your techs out
Bring it on, and I'ma show you gangsta

-Joe Crack

1st order of business: We are exactly 13 days away from the greatest day on the calendar. Fix ya faces and be ready. Plans for the festivities are being made. For one possibility, I need a fairly accurate head count, get at me if you are going to be in NYC and will be attending. If you are not attending, all gifts, gratuities, offerings, displays of worship and praise and other general acknowledgements will be accepted before or after!

Now, back to the matter at hand. Friday night. The Champ had been planning on taking it easy since it was The Champ's weekend to be on call. A co-worker that we will refer to as The Irishman won a free bottle of his choice at this new Lincoln Park establishment and asked that the champ come and fellowship with him. Not a problem, there are some good resturaunts in that area and it's not too far from the office in the event that it was necessary to return there. I leave the office with a female co worker and decide to spend some of this oh so lovely per diem at a nice little Asian establishment. Shit was cool until honey started putting on the full court press about The Champ relocating. She then goes into this diatribe about not having alot of friends and not dating alot, yadda, yadda yadda. No real big here, it just kinda set the tone for the wild shit to come the rest of the night.

The movement then moved to the aforementioned establishment where the firewater of choice for the night was Stoli. There was this god awful band (that will probably turn out to be the next Coldplay) "performing" or more like ruining everyone's buzz. Between wondering how the hell someone paid them to "perform" and getting hit on by this snow bunny from Kentucky I actually wasn't having a bad time. It may have been the free alcohol. The one thing that was kinda awkward all night was the fairly subtle hints that were being thrown my way by the "date" of one of my co-workers. For all the miscegenation that I have witnessed in this city, this was a fairly odd case. First, it was the man, not the woman that was white. And secondly, she did not seem uncomfortable or seem to act like what she was doing was taboo, it just was to her. That is until she got to encounter The Champ! We'll just say that I was not the only one to notice that she spent the majority of the evening sitting next to and speaking to me. This came up later in the evening but we'll get to that soon enough. For those of you wondering, I would be up to let this bunny come back home if she were so inclined.

Next stop was a few blocks down where I literally bumped into some cats with whom I went to high school. This isn't totally unordinary as those folks are all around the globe. This made for a very intoxicated evening. I got the latest dish on who's been in rehab and who's been divorced. I also had more snow bunnies try to get at me than the law should allow. They must not know who I am or that I am from the Grand Puba school of "touching every flavor but vanilla . . .” Note: this does not apply to accepting free drinks, which I did pretty much all night long. I met these 2 snow bunnies from Michigan outside of the men’s room that I successfully passed off to the 2 co-workers with whom I began the night. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta! Yes I am a bit overzealous here in celebrating what use to be a routine occurrence, but when dealing with the Special Olympics all-stars that I have been dealing with, you tend to take a little more stock in ALL victories! For my graciousness, these bunnies not only paid for ALL drinks all night, but they tried hooking me up with snow bunnies (One of whom referred to me as the biggest, sexiest, blackest man she's ever seen. I am still not sure how to take this) and then paid for the after drinking oil-fest known as the Weiner Circle.

Call it touristy or lame or whatever you want, you have to go to the Weiner Circle at about 4 AM if you have been drinking all night in Chicago. Sure you can feel your arteries hardening with each bite, but it's the rude exchanges between the customers and the servers that are necessary. I did think that one of the Michigan snow bunnies was going to cry when a server screamed "C'mon bitches, hurry the fuck up and order!" when we got about 5 steps in the place. When it was my turn to order, The Irishman asked the server was she ready to take me in the back and suck me off. She not so coyly replied "This big sexy man right here, I'd suck him off right here. No need to hide it, I would suck his dick from the back right where he stands." Free alcohol be damned, this made my night! As someone that has told a chick that she could suck his dick from the back with a crazy straw, I was rather impressed with her level of general nastiness. A close second to this remark was when she told this one customer that asked if they put chili on the dogs "the only chili here is the type that comes out of my ass!!” Yes that was disgusting, but hilarious while intoxicated! This night ended in a rather after school special sort of way that would set the tone for the next day. Some random white dude sat down at our table and invited everyone to his rooftop to smoke "some really good weed". As to be expected, I passed and called it a night. I hope my co-workers are still alive; I'd hate to be a part of a police investigation.

Fast forward through Saturday. Got a haircut, met a bunny in the Borders in Hyde Park (again) and had planned to get with one of the Special Olympics All-Stars. Had to eat first and decided to descend upon this Thai place that I had already visited but wanted to try again. I'm sitting at the bar minding my own business when this group descends upon me, they looked like the United Nations. Come to find out that they were from Canada and in Chicago having some fun. As an aside, I propose a LGOTH trip to Canada. I mean, there are some fine honies there. Plus on about 5 occasions I have met some BANGING hotties from the great white north (blog medley soon come) during my stay in this lovely city. I might also add that in this particulr group, the Asian Girl had a phatty! I might have had an invitation to Calgary but things did not continue to go so smoothly.

While waiting to get my food, I attempted to strike up a conversation with this voluptuous cocoa honey in the group to not much avail. After a few pleasantries were exchanged, but for the most part she treated me like elevator music (she just wasn't listening). By request, I joined this group on their way to a downtown club. The leader of the group, a slim Guyanese (I think she was lying and was really a Red Dot Special. No need to lie, I wasn't with King Slick that night and this particular RDS could have gotten it!) cutie with some of the most beautiful bright eyes I've ever stared into, was on the Diddy-esque Baller's Baller guest list apparently. Before she could finish saying her name, we were beyond the velvet rope and in the VIP section. Since I was the guest, she asked that I choose the evening's libations. Of course I acquiesced and Ketel One flowed freely. A few dirty looks from the Cocoa Honey and some time later, RDS whispers to me what I thought was "I really want to make sure that you are having a good time." I guess now is a good time to mention that I'm getting over a head cold and haven't been able to hear anything, especially women in night clubs, for the last week. She leads me to the unisex bathroom where I'm having visions of re-enacting THAT Sean Penn scene in Carlito's Way where she pulls a clear plastic bag filled with white powder out of her purse. Apparently she said "I really want to do some lines.” Hell of a mistake on my part!!!!! I mean, I NEVER thought for a second that she wanted to DO blow, I was banking on her just wanting to blow (me). As an aside, isn't extacy suppose to be the club drug of choice these days? She went hard!

The next 5 minutes were like a bad after school special. I not so nicely told her "Fuck outta here with that nut shit"(Copyrigth The Grinch 1994) while she tried to convince me that it would make me feel good. Try that shit on someone that did not grow up in the 80's!! I made my exit of the whole situation with her running after me asking me not to go. I'm outside looking for a cab and she and the Cocoa Honey come out asking me to come back in, I pass. RDS starts to damn near throw a tantrum (this is the point where I thought I'd end up spending the night in jail) but Cocoa manages to calms her down to the point where she just storms back into the club screaming, "FINE, WHO CARES IF MY NIGHT IS RUINED AND I CAN NEVER HAVE ANY FUN!!!". Cocoa then apologizes for her friend's and her own actions through out the night. She then goes into this whole pro-black rant about how I seemed like the type "only dates OTBs" (Other Than Blacks) and how she thinks that wrong and the like. If you are keeping score, I too have NO idea how she determined that I was not the type to date OTBs because I did not want to sniff coke. If you remember, I stated that their group resembled the United Nations, that's because EVERYONE was represented. I guess hanging out is cool, but dating is where she draws the line. Obviously, not falling to the charm of the eyes was sexy to her and she proceed to ask The Champ about his vitals and what he'd be doing the rest of the weekend. At this point, said group was leaving and RDS made it her point to come get in-between us with her back to me and let Cocoa know that they were going elsewhere. I sure know how to find them.

Sunday night was, in comparison, a boring night at the poofy hair spot. I only met what physically might be The Champ's prototype (Big breast, check, Tall, check. Beautiful smile, check. Round booty, check.) but is cruelly a 22 year old senior at DePaul. I swear, there are definitely days where I wish I was 5 years younger and had no conscience. I twice explained to her the "Younger Sister Rule" (The Champ shall smut no bunnies younger than his youngest sibling) and she twice explained to me that “. . . it's going to be a big problem in our relationship if The Champ insists on treating her like he treats everyone else.". Normally, I would have thought nothing else of it but she's going to be at the Dwele show tonight. This ought to be interesting!