She asked, "Why do men always have to stray?"

He said, "I'm bad, not as bad as Eric Benet"
"I used to take 'em out to eat but they wasn't really eatin'
Mighta got a little head but I wasn't really cheatin'
"It's hard when your lady don't believe what you say
And what you did in the past you gotta live with today

-Common from the song Faithful from the album Be

HOLY SHIT.

So I've listened to Eric Benet's new album, The Hurricane, a few times now and this has to be one of the most depressingly empathic albums to have hit the market (judging from the soundscan numbers, most of you are unaware that it has hit the market) in quite some time. I'm talking David Ruffin "I Miss You" depressing. Meshell Ndegeocello "Bitter" depressing. Even the album's opening song, "Be Myself Again", his declaration of self and swagger is somber in melody and overtone. By about song 4 I found myself thinking "damn Halle did him wrong!" until I snapped back to the realitythat *HE* was the one (allegedly) out tricking on new bunnies. All of this being said about the album, this was a solid piece of music. This is definitely a soundtrack to the next time that no good chickenhead that you were all in love with gets caught letting cats run triz on her in a very uncomfortable place (and I'mnot talking about the back of a Neon) or for when that dirty ass dude that you can't leave alone sleeps with more relatives of yours and are Mary J.Blige "My Life"'d out. I'm not handing out good or bad attributes to Mr. Benet's behavior nor shall I condone or condemn said behavior, I will say that I can see how 1) having to watch Monster's Ball more than once can skew one's sense of rationality and 2) having to sit in an auditorium full of people while being broadcast on WORLDWIDE television and act happy while your wife gets an undeserved Oscar for taking backshots from Billy Bob Thornton (Bad Santa was the shit) can drive one to full on insanity.

King Slick and I were discussing this album (he's gotta get on here and do some album reviews) and were both surprised that Benet did not take the R. Kelly route here. We couldn't believe that he did not blow his budget on a few Just Blaze tracks and make songs/videos so amazing that no one would care about his alleged infidelity. If R. Kelly can get the world to not care that he's CURRENTLY ON TRIAL for pissing on a minor, ANYONE can Jedi mind trick the world into forgetting their "transgressions". I agreed with King Slick's assessment that "Listening to this album will make you feel sorry for everything bad that you've ever done . . .” I lost official count but this guy used the word sorry roughly 3,576 times which officially qualifies him as being sorrier than that fat dude from American Idol.

I could not help but be affected by the powerful words found on "The Hurricane" and thus I seek retribution for my following past transgressions:

Lynette B. - My first, first grade girlfriend. I know I was wrong, but it was a sucker’s deal for me to give Tasha M. my milk for her cookies. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I don't drink milk, but LOVE some cookies!! It didn't help that at the ripe old age of 6, Tasha M. already had sweater puppets. How did I know that she'd be so smitten by my milk that she would fall for the boy?? I know that tweed suit had you mesmerized, but you rebounded nicely with Joseph W. I really hope that you've gotten over The Champ by now. If it makes you feel better, that Tasha thing only lasted a few weeks. Rhonda P. came into the picture and it was all over. If you've spent the better part of your life wishing bad things on Tasha (as you said you would in front of everyone in the lunchroom), it's worked. She has 5 kids and lives in the projects.

Tiffany W. - My sixth grade girlfriend. I know that I was easily tempted. What can I say; Ebony was a beautiful chocolate brown and developed even faster than you. My conditioning has been conditioned. If it makes you feel better, I still chase after big breast, it wasn't my way of making you feel inferior in any way.

Shaniqua F. - I'm sorry that your mother screamed on you like that in front of everyone, how was I to know that she took a middle school prom so seriously? If it makes her feel better, you can tell her that you *did* ask me to the prom and that that I told you no, because I was going with Michelle. (Anyone wantto take 3 guesses as to why I was going with Michelle?)

********** - (Yes The Fat man is taking the chump's way out) I know I lied when I told you that I would tell you that it was coming, but you liked sophomore year when you told me that you did not do that. It was pedantic on my part. Sorry.

********** - The first time that I can say that I really say that my heart was broken. I took that badly. Really badly. I should have never said that I wish ol' boy turned into an alcoholic and beat you 3 times a week. It was also pretty uncalled for when I said that I hope that you both were raped by rabid pit bulls, contracted The Monster and died. I also should not have walked past you in the street like you weren't there for all these years. It was really ignorant the day I carried on a 30 minute conversation with your mother and acted like you weren't there. You and ol boy were made for each other. After all these years, you are still going strong. Who am I to stand in the way of true love? I'm sorry.

**** - That time that I told you that "you mean nothing in the grand scheme of things". My bad

******** - I gave you TONS of false hope, sold you the dream even. It was just too easy. If it makes you feel better now, I have stopped that nonsense.

The Cheapskate - I'm sorry for talking to you through a cracked door, but The Snapper was in my room ready to go for round 3. That was messed up, butI did tell you before hand that I did not want a girlfriend or to act like I had one. You've more than gotten your revenge since then.

The Snapper - You had a younger version of The Champ turned out something fierce. I'm almost sorry that I strung you along when you tried to come back home, but you really did wrong by the champ and took advantagewhen you had it good. I was still wrong, and no, I still do not want to beat.

King Slick - I apologize for cracking jokes and laughing when ol' boy left during your presentation, but even you now admit that him doing that was one of the funnier things to happen during college. The sight of him rolling his wheelchair out of the room while you were giving the class hand outs still brings me to a hearty chuckle.

Small Wonder - I'm sorry for putting your business in the streets regarding that Mos Def incident. I know how hard you worked to build your rep and how difficult it is to maintain it. I know that you spend an inordinate amount of time smacking kufis these days because cats think they can try you. My bad, I swear that I won't do it again.Those posters of B2K that you have in your bedroom are our little secret!

King Killah - I'm sorry that your whole job got stuck up on Bonus Day, but as I said in court, I wasn't even in the state at the time and really don't know what happened. I was in Vegas where I happened to win alot of money, that's why I bought all new stuff. It had nothing to do with the money that you and your co-workers were relieved of. That watch that I have that looks like your co-workers' is PURELYcoincidental.

Girl I Use To Go With In DC - I really have nothing to apologize for here, I did pretty right by you. Oh, I'm sorry in advance. For personal and professional reasons, I will be spending more time in the DC area in the coming months. You had this annoying habit of introducing me to 276 people per visit most of whose names/faces I really don’t remember all so well. I apologize if a story gets back to you that I tried to mack on one of your friends/associates/grocer/random person of interest. This really isn’t my fault though. Sure I can’t remember names to save my life and I accept that shortcoming, but you know so many people. You use to say that in some male circles you were known as the Madame of DC because of the female hook ups you had. If the story gets back to you that one of your “friends" was coming to NYC twice a month on her dime because she could not get enough of The Champ, you can thank me for cutting the grass and showing you that you had snakes in your yard.

WHEW!!! That was really cathartic. I may have to do this monthly!!!!!