The Road Rules

This has nothing to do with that mockery of a reality show on MTV or that hilarious scene in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. This is The Champ's own How To guide for conducting one's self when away from home. This was initially going to be a series, but my literary agent and public relations manager, King Slick, advised against giving away what we are going to sell, thus you are only getting previews of certain chapters. What follows is by no means an exact science, it would be impossible to detail rules for ever single situation, but rather general guidelines that are meant to assist a traveler in having the best time possible in foreign locales. Enjoy.


Chapter 1: It Ain't Where Ya From, It's Where Ya At - The Rakim Rule

So, let's say that you are the hardest of hard rocks that Brooklyn has ever produce. If you have a certain look on your face, half of Saratoga Ave. shudders with fear. You once went to Nostrand and St. Johns and slapped every dude out there with your left hand and walked home. You are so gully, that your way of going to the ATM is to shoot the pockets of whoever is holding the bank at dice games on Marcy Avenue. Bottom line: you're as gangsta as they come. Only on a particular day, you are in South Philly. Or Watts, or the West side of Chicago, and none of these folks care what you did or can do in Brooklyn.


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Being out of town does not automatically make one a target. Sure there are wolves everywhere, but you don't necessarily have to be their meal. The number one misconception among travelers is that because the crime rate of a particular locale has not been made infamous via rap songs, videos and HBO specials that crime does not exist. This is in direct contrast to Life Rule Number One: Anyone Can Get It (henceforth ACGI). ACGI anywhere! Just because you are in Beverly Hills and not South Central LA does not absolve you from this rule. One should never assume that because they are on Pier 39 and not East Oakland that they are out of harm's way. It's obvious that there are certain locales and events that are more dangerous than others (you are much more likely to be looking at the barrel of a gun at a dice game in North Philly at midnight than on South Street at noon), but one should be on alert at all times.

This text will not offer ways to necessarily to blend in, but rather to not stand out so much. One should always be aware of their immediate surroundings and be able to spot potential dangers. Dangers can mask themselves or seem to appear immediately, but there are often warning signs. We will examine some of the warning signs and discuss methods to prevent getting one's self into these bad situations in the first place. Remember, an ounce of prevention, is worth a pound of cure.



Chapter 10: Allies Are Abound


Just because you did not begin your voyage with familiar faces does not mean that you are alone. You may not be with your road dogs (or whatever you call them), but you have allies, you just haven't met them yet. In Chapter 2 I discussed the importance of familiarizing one's self with one's surroundings. Life sometimes throws us curve balls and the best laid plans are shot to hell. Additionally, it's difficult to really get the feel for a place from outside research, it's necessary to experience it first hand.

To further illustrate this I will recall a time I was in Los Angeles. As I find it necessary when I visit the city of Lost Angels, I was at Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles one afternoon. I had been in town about a week and needed a shape-up in the worst way. I had not anticipated being in town as long as I was and had not properly researched barber options. I new that I'd be going out that evening and having my line and beard game tight was a must. What was I to do in this situation? At this juncture in time, I did not have personal associates from whom I could solicit a recommendation and the people that were offering suggestions . . . let's just say that their beard and line game was not up to par. Being aware of my surroundings, I remembered that in the parking lot of this particular Roscoes was a Muslim gentleman with an assortment of oils, incense and CDs for sale. This particular Ahki also had one of the cleanest fades that I've ever seen (and believe me I have seen and HAD some of the cleanest fades ever cut. The fade in my college graduation picture is so clean, it looks damn near airbrushed. That may have been the best fade ever cut, second maybe only to Nas in the "If I Ruled The World Video", but I digress) so it was natural that I asked, who cut his hair. A small bottle of "Joop" and 2 (for 5) CDs later, I had procured the address, directions to, proprietors of, and every other little detail that one can imagine about this barber shop. The Ahki was so grateful for my patronage that he also volunteered the location of a number of fish places near the barber shop. Not only was I able to get my line game up to par, I had what was possibly one of the best fish sammiches that I've ever eaten.

Peace Ahki.


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The old adage "There's no such thing as a free lunch" holds very true when soliciting information about the what to do and where to go when out of town. While there aren't overt services that will put you in the know (yet; ask about, ask about me), there are tons of wells of information waiting to be tapped. A very common and easy to locate one is bartenders. If you are into the bar/club/lounge scene, there is no greater person from whom to get an honest assessment of night-life in a particular city than a bartender. The average bartender's memory is alot stronger and their willingness to spend time talking to one customer is often powered by how well they are being tipped. Also, keep in mind that they are working so it's not to your advantage to attempt to carry on a full-scale conversation while said bartender is simultaneously mixing 5 drinks and opening 8 beers. Use discretion.

Big Johnny Power, Voicemail CEO extrordinaire of Making Dollars Entertainment (no disrespect to party promoters as a whole, but c'mon buddy, what are you really the CEO of?? Your "company" consist of you and the hoodrat that you are banging out this month that hands out flyers for you. That's a whole other text) will tell you that he has the hottest Thursday night party in town. He has to, he needs you to pay his door fee and buy drinks to further his bottom line. He'll never tell you that Mike Smooth, CEO of Silky Entertainment, has a better DJ, a nicer venue and a bigger crowd. You just drew the misfortune of not running into Mike's hoodrat, who was also passing out flyers that day. There is hope though. Bartenders. Ofcourse bartenders have a vested interest in you patronizing an establishment at which they are working on any given night, but their interest is not as high. Bartenders, because they typically good at reading people and drawing information, are more likely to get to know you enough or read you well enough that they can tailor their recommendations to your taste. A good bartender, given moderate information, can tell whether you'd like H20 or Howl At The Moon.

Bartenders are also alot more likely to tell you what the best nights at any particular venue can be. Sure there was a line of Latinas around the block on Saturday night when you drove by The Green Dolphin, so you decided that you'll go on Monday night to see what that's all about. Only, you don't know that Monday night is Pride night. Now, there's nothing wrong with that if that is the crowd you are looking to hang out with. If you were not seeking this crowd, you will probably be a little embarrassed and maybe even uncomfortable. Getting to know a bartender can help to avoid the situation. In the event that you are extremely charming, or have nice breast, or otherwise leave an impression on a bartender, this relationship can lead to you being put on their "list" thus eliminating the need to wait on lines or pay covers. Caution, this can also potentially send messages that you may not want to send. Be clear and concise in your intentions. I normally don't do this, but big shouts to Destro and Half and Half in Chicago, y'all looked out for The Champ!!!

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There are plenty of other lessons to be learned and stories to be told and I promise that you will get them all, in due time. Other Chapters include: Trife Life: Take it From Me, Don't Ever Go See a Chick aka The Havoc Rule; No Matter How Hard You're Creeping, Someone at Home Needs To Know Where You Are; It's Okay to Visit The Hood . . . In The Daytime; Never Let The Daylight Deceive, During The Sun's Hours N*&&%'s Do Bleed; The Internet: For More Than Just The Meet and Beat and The Voice/Reader/City Paper is Your Friend. The Road Rules will be published by Ice Grill Productions in the spring of 2006, coming to a Boarders, Barnes & Noble, Amazon and a street table near you!!!