I Need Help

Fam, I need y'all right now for real. For all my ahki's, please say a few Humduallah's for me at Jumah and for all my Christians, I need as much prayer as yall can spare. For everyone else, ask whoever it is that you worship to look favorably down on The Champ. Somebody done went and put a root on me.

There's really no other explanation for what's happening to me right now. I alluded last week to how this trip to Chicago has been a trip of duces and dimes. Well, I had another type of monkey wrench thrown into the mix this weekend. I guess since I have this forum, and others can benefit from my experiences, it was not a bad thing that happened, just one that has not happened to me in quite some time. I was on the receiving end of one of the great pieces of female nonverbal communication that exist: the dreaded Three Pat Hug.

You all know what this is, you've been on the giving or receiving end of it at one point or another. It's not as not so subtle as the hug with a million miles of space between the parties where the parties could have given more intimate dap. It's the hug where the woman (or in some cases that man, I've seen King Slick, The King Killah and The Cambodian Kufi Slapper do this to women in the past 3 months) pats your back three times as if they are saying in Morse Code YOU (pat 1) CAN'T (pat 2) BEAT! (pat 3). Now I am sure that one or more of you smart asses or dim bulbs are thinking "but Champ, I've gotten 5 or more pats so I'm cool right?" HELL NAW YOU AIN'T COOL!! Each extra pat is the equivalent of putting the word "ever" in front of pat number three (You Can't Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever Beat! for those of you that are not so swift)! Peep what happened to The Champ:

I was in the spot Sunday night kicking it like I do when I noticed this honey noticing me. No problem there except she was the pretty one out of the group. Here's another nonverbal truth about women, they sometimes need to shine. This isn't a good or bad thing, it just is. Now ladies, don't act like you don't go out with a group of mud ducks sometimes to make yourselves feel better. They may or may not be your "best" friends, or maybe co-workers, but you know you have that group that you go out with when you need to be the star (I'm dropping jewels like a thief with a hole in his pocket right now, I hope y'all are appreciating these lessons), but I digress. This is an issue sometimes because those mud ducks often know that they are mud ducks and don't like that they are not getting attention, thus they hate. Let me state for the record that I am not mad at anyone for hating, hell, I am one of the biggest haters of all (although, I must concede that The King Killah is by far winning the race for Hater Of The Year for 2005.), however I try to stay out of situations where I can be hate crimed. Every woman has a friend, or a few friends, whose position it is to hate (wait until I break down the female circle of friends and drop that gem on you!!!!) so you run the risk at all times. In situations like these, you are better able to calculate your risk and determine the best course of action.

I decided that I'd keep tossing those assist left and right (ask about me, I'm on that Magic Johnson pre 1991, yet another gem on which I will further expound in these annals of piff) to the cats I rolled with since they had been suck gracious host thus far (although some of them have been straight garbage about receiving said assist, but that's yet another story. I'll just say that at times I've felt like Magic playing with the Special Olympics all starts, they may be all stars but they are not on the level!!!!). I finally see that honey is not surrounded and I take my shot. SWISH!!! Or so I thought. We're chatting it up and all is good for the most part. I'm sizing her up for potential positions and how I'm going to have her calling me by my righteous name (Osama Bin Fuckin) as I tear her walls down, when clue number one hits me. She introduces me to one of the aforementioned mud ducks (who was doing better than me on this night) as her "new buddy". DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! I thought that I could shake that off but time would show that I was headed to the dreaded friend zone. I'm not quite sure how this happened, I mean I was cool, my intentions were known and the whole 9. I was on a one way trip to smutsville and she was going to the Museum of Science and Industry with her new buddy. I was in complete disarray. A few more buddy from New York references and a couple of Ketel One and Tonics later and the exclamation point at the end of the sentence came: The Three Pat Hug. That stung. HARD!

While I've filled my quota of friends for the year, I'm not against making opposite sex friends. Hell, I'm in the minority of people that feel that it is NECESSARY to have friend of the opposite sex. What would I do if I did not have the Small Wonder to snap necks when chicks try to break fly?? But that's not the issue here, the bigger issue here is the root that was put on me. This was in the bag, it was suppose to have been a lay up but it wasn't. The only logical explanation is that I've been hexed. There is no other way that a week after being approached by Jaheim, that this can happen to me. Non sequiter, where is son right now?? Lyfe is slowly taking over the number one ghetto thug crooner's spot (don't sleep on that album, please!) Who could have done it?? I am sure that there are millions of motives, just no explanations right now. I need this resolved quickly too because Kimberly Locke will be in the area this weekend and I can't have this friend thing happening when I put my mack down on her!!! This is my baby boo here!! Y'all know how I feel about her (for those that don't holla at The Champ, I'm not shy about my feelings, pause). I know that she is light skineded, but did you hear her sing 'New York State Of Mind' ? She may also be one of the prototypes of what The Champ is talking about when he talks of a thick woman (PLEASE BELEIVE THAT I WILL BE DROPPING A GEM ABOUT *THIS* TOPIC)! I gotta get right by Saturday!!!!


So if you know voodoo or have a few minutes to think some good thoughts or just have some time to pray for The Champ, please do! I'm going to start enhancing my already incredible swagger by listening to 'If You Want Me To Stay' for the next 4 hours!


I thank you in advance for you assistance with this HIGHLY urgent matter!!