"I'm Comfortable Far From Home,

eatin' right, gettin' good rest, either on the far or the foam . . ."


I did not forsake you true believers, The Champ is indeed alive and well. I've merely been designated to one of my employers Triple A Affiliates in Chicago. It's been a pretty good ride so far. There are amazing restaurants here and the food taste better when its been charged to the game! As per my own personal code, I haven't spent much time in front of a computer (recreationally) since I am OT and trying to find plenty of trouble with which to consume myself. Fear not Piff purveyors, the champ has found himself mired in many adventures since leaving home. It would be unfair to not atleast give you an idea of what your boy's been through, yet I can't really go into detail about all of my adventures. think of this as a medley. Here are what would have been titles had these been full blogs:


"Getting Hit On My Mudducks: Am I Not As Attractive As I Had Been Led To Believe"


This is inspired by the broad that looked like Jaheim (black lips, corn rows and all) that not only hit on The Boy, but was REAL bewildered then OFFENDED when I rebuked her advances. This was not your typical "I know son is out of my league but I'm going to try anyway", oh no. This broad really though that The Champ was as good as hers. She was just the icing on the cake. When I thought back about some of the honies that have holla'd at me since touching down, it's been a tale of deuces and dimes. The dimes are to be expected (ask about, ask about me); Jaheim and Co. had The Champ considering his self worth for a minute. I'm good now, as a matter of fact, I am looking for a good temporary bunny to hold me down while I'm in town. All serious inquiries should be sent to harlemslim@gmail.com.


"Work Sucks And Other Things You Already Knew"

Aside from my own desires to be independently wealthy, my first week here had me signing "Let My People Go". Shit is cool now hence the aforementioned search for a good temporary bunny.


"I Am A Crazy Chick Magnet: How I Got To See John Legend, De La Soul and Common For 10 Bucks"

So, The Champ decides to take in some local events and lo and behold, a mere 3 blocks away from the hotel is De La Soul, Common and John Legend performing. This slipped The Champ's radar as i was coming into town (not that I had that much advance notice) but I figured that I would depend on one of the last bastions of free market economy that there is: scalping. Yup, I figured that if I waited until close enough to the start of the show I could get tickets closer to face value than I would if I were too eager. This worked better than I could have ever thought. I had notice this ample bottomed caramel complected honey standing and waiting for about as long as I was only she was looking VERY aggravated. I was just about to call it a night, go to Vong and back to the hotel when I hear "EXCUSE ME, IN THE ORANGE SHIRT, EXCUSE ME" being yelled at me. It was honey. Of course at this point I am counting my chickens, pun intended, and figuring that it was on. Not exactly. She begin to tell me about the "inconsiderate MF" that she had been waiting for and how he's not answering his phone and that it was his idea that they go to this show and that she bought these tickets a month ago and how much she had been looking forward to going. Before I could ask "What does ANY of this have to do with me?" she asked was I looking for tix, of course I was, but only for the right price. She comes better than the right price, she only wants 20 bucks for the pair or just a 10 spot for the one tickets. This is the part when my heart grows 3 sizes large and I insist on paying face value or atleast buy her a few drinks inside. She would not budge, she apparently no longer cared to go to the show and only wanted to go home (or to find ol' boy and dole out a uni) . Moral of the story, I got into this show for 10 bucks and may have made a new (VERY PLUTONIC IF AT ALL) friend.


"Mild Sauce: Pitifully Holding More Weight In My Thought Process About Moving To Chicago Than It Should"

COOKED CRACK! The only think that could possibly be more addictive than mild sauce. King Slick and I were in this fair city on business a number of years ago and he even admits the power of Mild Sauce. I'll tell the story of how his appreciation came to be another time, but since we are all family, I will admit to you all that I have put mild sauce against the hawk on the pro/con list of potentially moving. That's some fat shit I just typed, but as that great Negro poet Michael Jackson once proclaimed "I can't help it if I wanted to, I wouldn't help it even if I could".


"These Bitches Is Tacky and Other Observations About The City Of Broad Shoulders (Pun Intended)"

While I understand that being from the fashion capital of the world can skew ones perspective, tacky is tacky and some of the bunnies in this city are tacky personified. This is not any type of indictment of this city by me. Hell, I was in LA earlier this year and could have said the same about that city. It's just my observation. A good deal of the dudes are lames as well. What's really good with the collars up on the polo shirts?


"I Think I Got Picked Up By A Guy: A Night At The Cheese Cake Factory"

So I'm sitting at the bar at the most wonderful place on the planet, minding my own business and eating when this guy just stats chatting me up. I'm a fairly social person most of the time, so it was no problem. Fast forward and ol' boy hits me with "So what do you do on weekends?? Where do you hang out? You know I've been in this city for 2 years and while I know tons women, I really don't have any guys to hang out with." I'm not totally sure how to feel about this. I'm very certain that dude was not gay, but still, there are certain things you just don't do with perfect strangers. The only positive here was the food for thought about moving somewhere that one does not have friends or established contacts.


"My Urine Has Smelled Like Asparagus For 2 Days and Other Things you Probably Didn't Want To Know About Me"

Two words here: Per Diem. It seems like everything that I have ordered at the oh so incredible restaurants that exist in this city come with asparagus. Nothing stays in one's urine like asparagus and coffee. I've also been trying out Axe Body Wash, the jury is still out on this. I think I'll be going back to Bath & Body Works shower gels.

That's all for me true believers. Get at your boy and put me on to something, or in the case of that temporary bunny, someone!